Breaking the "Tyranny of Shoulds": Reclaiming Your Motivation

Over the last four weeks, we’ve explored the 4-Phase Strategy—a framework I use to help my clients rediscover the spark that ignites true motivation.

If you’ve been following along, you’ve likely noticed a common theme: many of the goals we struggle with aren't actually our own. Instead, they are goals we feel we should be accomplishing. This is a guaranteed recipe for burnout.

To wrap up this series, let’s look at how to maintain your progress and, more importantly, how to escape the "Should Tyrant’s cycle of the should’s" when you feel yourself slipping back in.

Understanding the "Tyranny of the Shoulds"

The idea that "should" statements lead to burnout isn't new. In the 1950s, psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase "Tyranny of the Shoulds." She described it as a rigid system of self-imposed rules demanding perfection.

You see this every day when someone feels they must complete a task in a hyper-specific way or achieve a goal out of fear. If they don't, they label themselves a failure. These rules are rarely about the process; they are almost always about the result.

The Reality Check: While our upbringing and environment influence these rules, we often end up being our own harshest taskmasters.

How to Identify the "Should Tyrant"

How do you know if you’re living under a "Should Tyrant"? Ask yourself these three diagnostic questions:

1. Alignment: Does this "should" statement actually match my core values?

2. The Big Three: Does this rule support my sense of autonomy, competence, or relatability with others?

3. The Barrier Test: Is this rule acting as a hurdle that prevents me from living authentically?

If a rule doesn't align with your values and actively hinders your growth, you are likely being ruled by a "Should Tyrant."

3 Steps to Get Back on Track

If you’ve identified that you’re stuck in the cycle, it’s time to go back to the basics and reclaim your agency.

• Audit Your SMART Goals: Pull out your goals and look specifically at the Measurable and Achievable sections. What concrete steps do you need to take today to shift focus back to what actually matters to you?

• The 90-Day Rule: When did you last update your goals? If it’s been more than 90 days, they are likely outdated. Review your recent successes and challenges to ensure your objectives still align with who you are now.

• Master the Eisenhower Matrix: The Should Tyrant wants you to believe that everything is both Urgent and Important. By living in a state of constant urgency, you never have the bandwidth to focus on long-term growth.

Quadrant	Focus	The Should Tyrant's Trap
Urgent & Important	Do it now	He puts everything here to keep you panicked.
Important (Not Urgent)	Plan it	He wants you to ignore this so you never grow.

Final Thoughts

The Should Tyrant hates diligence. When you stick to your SMART goals and prioritize based on your actual values rather than "urgent" whims, his power fades.

Stay focused on the process, keep your goals fresh, and remember: your life is driven by your values, not your "shoulds."